Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
21.9.05 ::
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Things Fall Apart
Make Better vs Do Right
Are there others who think like I do? Sometimes I doubt it.
My best friend's boyfriend broke up with her after being together for 7 years. First of all, 7 years?! Wow! My longest relationship with a significant other is 3 years, and he's not even an official Boyfriend. With a boyfriend, the longest lasted for a little over a year. Evidently, I can't keep a long (whatever "long" means) relationship. Is it my fault? Not necessarily.
Anyway, homegurl confides in me that she wants to ask Ex to get back together with her. I'm thinking, "Why?!!!". The guy's an asshole, but that's besides the point. It's not my decision to make. I'm not the type to meddle with other people's choices. And then she shocks me even more by telling me that she's gonna ask him to give her another chance. Huh?! So I finally exploded:
Me: "Why?!!! Don't do that! You're gonna look so stupid"
Her: "Why? Don't tell me you've never had to ask any of your boyfriends to get back with you"
Me: "That's right. Never even crossed my mind."
Her: "Really?" "How come?"
Before you accuse me of being being conceited or whatever. Let me explain why... It's because when i do (or get myself into) something, I give it my ALL on the first try. So when things fall apart, I can at least find comfort in knowing that I gave it everything i had, it wasn't my fault, and it's out of my hands already. Kasi when you ask someone back, you're implying that you're gonna do better, make things better. How can you do that if you've already given it your all? It doesn't make sense. There! It's not because of pride, it's quite the opposite, really. It's about letting go, accepting defeat, moving on, or at least pretending to do so. It's hard. It sucks. But it's life.
The Hardest Break-Up
Here's a story bout me and my favorite Ex. When I met him, he was in a relationship. We were very good friends till "it" happened. As pinoys would say it, na-develop. He wanted "us" to be official, and to me, it really didn't make a difference. I didn't need the title. I was content loving him and as a bonus, being loved by him in return. For some reason, being official was important to him, I don't know, I guess it made him feel secure and happier, so I obliged.
He was my first boyfriend after my relationship with Brox's dad ended. Being with him made me realize that I was capable of giving love another shot, and that there's a lot in me to love. We spent all of our free time with each other, explored (ahem!) a lot of things together. In a way, we kinda matured together, and learned a lot from each other. He's super smart, funny, adorable, very affectionate and showy, and unfortunately, very insecure and seloso (if you're reading this, sorry! But you know it's true!). Anyway, I made it a point to base our relationship on friendship, which made it more beautiful.
Then after awhile, he became a little cold and distant. And because I knew him too well, I figured out that there's someone new in his life. He kinda denied it at first. So one night, I told him that if there is someone else, or he finds one that he can be happier with, I will let him go--no questions asked. And almost instantly, he admitted that there is someone he's kinda falling for. They go to the same school, and she's petty, and like me, she has a strong personality (he's a sucker for girls like that). So right there and then, it ended.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to beg him, to change his mind, but I couldn't get myself to do it. We were friends, before anything else, so who am I to deprive him of happiness, diba? And since a lot of my happiness stems from his, I knew the right thing to do was to let him go. That's when I realized how much I loved him, coz the pain was almost unbearable. I felt lost (literally!). I'll be at the mall (our fave hang-out) and I'll stand in the middle of nowhere and I wouldn't know where to go. It felt like I had no heart or lungs, like my ribcage was empty, I couldn't breathe right.
I had to constantly surround myself with friends, and not just to chill or hang out. We had to do something like play billiards, or play ball, just to keep myself from thinking of him, from breaking down. I refused to go to bed until I was ready to pass out, because when I'm alone, or laying in bed, that's when I rack my brain for answers. I think about what I could've done to avoid the break-up, what I could do or say to get him back, and there's nothing, and I fall asleep crying, questions left unanswered.... I think it's harder to break up with someone without actually fighting over something. I mean, if he cheated on me, at least my pride won't allow me to ask him to come back, right. Plus why would I wanna be with someone who cheats? But since we didn't fight about anything in particular, it was that much harder to deal with.
As if that wasn't bad enough, after being demoted back to "best friend" status, I of course had to meet this girl. I didn't mind, I wanted to see what was so special about her. So there, I went to the tambayan in their school to meet her. I surprised myself. I didn't feel any bitterness toward them at all. I kept thinking, at least he was honest with me, and they looked genuinely happy naman. So there, defeat! It took me a while to get over it. At night, I'd pray that someone would come up to me to say that they've been going out during the time we were bf-gf, just so I could find a reason to hate him so I could get over it easily, but nothing. So I had to let time heal the wounds. Baduy but true. Oh yes, and Time took it's time. Ang tagal.
Accepting defeat doesn't do anything for the pain though. We even hung-out as a threesome. My soul shattering to a million pieces as I watched them together, not because of jealousy but because he wasn't mine anymore. But on the outside, I'll be smiling and laughing with them. I later found out that the new girlfriend was jealous of me, and was just being plastic. Apparently, it's because I set some sort of standard for my successors. I was the one she had to measure up to or some shit like that. She forbade him to keep his friendship with me. And he obeyed. That's how I recovered. I found a reason to hate him.
Well, of course, I didn't hate him. I only hated what he's become, what he allowed that girl to turn him into. But we're cool now. He's been back to his normal self ever since they broke up. We've been friends again after that. I love the girlfriend he had after HER, and I loooove the one he's with now. They're super bagay for each other. We hang-out whenever we bump into each other, or attend parties of common friends. He's happy, I'm happy. Everybody happy.
If i could go back in time, I still wouldn't do anything differently. I learned a lot from that experience and I'm grateful.
Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
13.9.05 ::
4 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Regrets
I have regrets,
Regrets for my mistake in thinking only of myself
All that I have left of are these regrets,
Regrets, the things i did that somehow you just can't [forget]
i guess i'll have to live with these regrets
--Kenny Rankin
I consider myself a smart and genuinely good-natured person, but do I want Brox to grow up like me? No! I've made terrible mistakes in the past, and thinking bout them makes me doubt myself, especially as a role model to my mini-me.
My son, Brox, is turning 11 in 18 days. Jeez, 11 years. Damn, I'm old! I sure feel much older than 27. Yup, I wasn't even 16 when I got pregnant. Do I have regrets? Hell, yeah! I'm not even gonna pretend to be like others who say, "I have no regrets, at least I have my baby" and stuff like that. I mean, good for them, but that's not how I feel. I've a great number of regrets. I'm grateful for Brox. But a lot of times I catch myself thinking, what would my life be like if I used protection that day? Y'see, I KNOW exactly when Brox was conceived. I knew it wasn't a good time to do it, but I did, without protection, too. Way to go, Grish!
I regret that almost everyday of my life. A tiny percentage of it's because I lost my childhood and my freedom soon after that. A part of it's because I got myself into that situation with a very abusive person.
There are only 2 people who know the extent of the abuse i went through-- and that's the sperm donor and myself.I wish I could write about the physical, verbal and emotional abuse but it exhausts me. Maybe another time.
I love Brox, but I regret the way he came in to the world. Because I wasn’t thinking bout anyone but myself, he didn’t get the proper welcome he deserved. I wasn’t able to give him things that I wanted him to have, because I couldn't afford it. I regret that because I didn’t choose wisely, Brox doesn’t have a decent biological father. Fortunately, my dad was more than willing to take his place. It wasn’t easy for him though.... [flashback]
You see, I’m the daddy’s girl, the favorite. Pregnant at 15,
I was actually thinking I’d rather have an abortion than see the look on his face when he finds out. I even thought about killing myself but I didn’t have the courage to do so. If I had a gun then, I probably would have. It seems so dramatic now because things are ok, but back then, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell my best friends because my neurotic boyfriend at that time isolated me from everyone. I wanted out of the relationship with the baby father but I couldn’t tell my dad I was pregnant AND without a man at the same time so in a way, I subjected myself to more abuse. Can you imagine being an abused 15 year-old mom-to-be and not being able to tell anyone about your situation? It was one of the darkest moments of my life.
I wasn’t at all surprised that my Dad was the only one who suspected I was pregnant. There weren’t a lot of changes in my body (I only gained18lbs throughout the pregnancy), but he did notice that I was taking more naps than usual, or maybe that his daughters weren’t consuming as much (sanitary) pads as usual. I don’t know, I guess because of our closeness, he felt it, noticed the changes more than any other family member.
I was already five months pregnant when he finally confirmed his suspicions. I didn’t wanna see the pain and disappointment on my dad’s face so I wrote my parents a letter explaining everything and left the house.
*It’s not that I didn’t care for my mom’s feelings… it’s just that I had a feeling she’d take it better than my dad*
That night, my mom located my hiding place and called me. Hearing that she was very calm about the whole thing helped a lot, and I was relieved when she said they were gonna pick me up the following day.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for that meeting though.
I met them at the chapel. My dad wasn’t talking to me. I was so ashamed, I couldn’t look at either of them. I kept my head down the whole time. Then my mom said, “let’s pray.” We were supposed to hold hands but my dad wouldn’t hold mine. I wanted to die. Then my mom started the prayer by saying. “Dear God, thank you for this chance to prove our love for one another.” I don’t remember anything else she said after that cause I was crying so hard. I just remember her telling me to get my things because we were going home. So I stand up to leave, I haven’t even closed the door completely behind me when I heard my dad cry. For the first time, I heard my dad bawl like a little child, not only because of what I did, but because he was blaming himself, seeing himself as a failure. I will never be able to forgive myself for that. I regret hurting my parents. I hate myself for what they went thru because of me.
Things only got better between my dad and I after Brox was born. And I regret that, too. I was depressed throughout the entire pregnancy. I hope that episode doesn’t affect him in the future.
At the same time, I’m grateful for everything that has happened. Brox is the son that my parents never had. And none of us can imagine our lives without him. He brought so much joy our lives. Although my relationship with my dad didn’t go back to the way it was, I see that Brox has the same relationship that I had with my Papa. I hope Brox doesn’t make the same mistakes. I hope he inherited my dad’s kindness and my mom’s ability to forgive.
Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
10.9.05 ::
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
Booty Call
11 something pm. The phone rings.
Me: Yo!
Gump: Whacha doin'?
Me: We're in Glendale, you?
Gump: Just got off work.
Me: When are you coming to my house?
Gump: I was going to, but you're not home.
Me: Ok, I'm going home now.
I drive 25 miles from Glendale as he drives 70 miles from Yorba Linda to North Hills. I see him again, the second time in 9 months.
First of all, No, we're not officially together. Although it's obvious that we have love for each other (and will probably always do), i don't think there was ever a time when one was in love with the other. Yes, we're both cool with it, and I say that with all honesty.
I love him to death. He's always been good to me, took care of me, offered support when I despeately needed it, watched me when I was sick, accompanied me everywhere, and ALWAYS made me laugh. And for all those things (and a lot more that i need not mention), I will forever be grateful. But despite that, I never saw myself being with him. He's the type of person kasi who NEVER gets angry. I've witnessed it so many times. He's been in many situations where he'd be treated so unfairly, rudely, and he NEVER showed the appropriate emotion. He'd just smile and not say anything. It bugged me for a while. At times, sad things would take place and it seems as if he's not affected, almost indifferent. I'd sometimes test him-- I'd make stuff up, any reason to bitch at him, and he won't say anything, I've never seen him react strongly or passionately to anything. I know he FEELS but he just doesn't or can't show it, I'm really not sure.
I came to the conclusion that a man who doesn't show sadness, anger, frustration WILL NOT show love. I'm probably not being fair to him since I could just easily ask him what he's feeling at any given time. But this lack of "demonstration" is what has kept me from asking for more, or even wondering if there'd ever be more. That's why I'm satisfied with what we have. I'm not exactly happy, but I'm not gonna be sad about it. I'm not happy bout it but I'm happy for him. He finally has some direction in life. He recently purchased a really cool car. He has a stable job, nothing fabulous but it's something he hasn't had in a while. I finally see some sense of responsibility (something I have never seen) in him. Even as he complains about work, I detect a sense of pride, and it gives me so much joy, pero quiet lang ako. I don't let him know that I see right through him.
So yeah, I'm happy for him, and I'm very proud of what I see now. Even though his job keeps him from seeing me as often as we want (oh yeah, plus the 70-mile distance and the ridiculous gas prices), I'm ok with it. So everyone should stop asking me why we're not together, married or if he's my boyfriend or not. He's not, he never was, and will most likely never be. And we don't mind and neither should you. So zip it!
Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
10.9.05 ::
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Potterhead
Check this out --> http://calaidescope.blogspot.com/ <-- i think she's Alia's sister and she posted something entitled "Harry Potter Spoilers." Either we're all in denial or we all got the same theory. Ralph Fiennes will play the role of Voldemort. I loooove Ralph Fiennes! I think he's hot! I don't like his sense of humor but I can just look at him the whole day. yummy!
Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
6.9.05 ::
1 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
Back To School
Brox enrolled himself last Friday. He called the school and the person who answered took his information and he was told that all he needs to do is show up today, the 6th. Saya! What i like about Brox going back to school is that it gives me a reason to walk 16 blocks a day. 4 going, 4 back, and same routine in the afternoon. The only thing I don't like about it is that it means I have to miss one episode of ER. Haha! Selfish!
Brox went back to school this morning. I walked him there so I could meet his teacher and drove back at 2:15 to pick him up. We love his school. They think of everything. I guess it's like any other public school in the Los Angeles Unified School Dostrict (LAUSD). The system makes a lot of things convenient for parents. For example, the school opens very early and serves the kids free breakfast, so for those parents who are busy, lazy, or have a long commute ahead of them has less worries in the morning. And though classes end at 2:15pm, they offer after-school programs, and keep the children busy till 6pm, which gives parents who have a 9-5 job enough time to pick their kids up. Nowadays, having kids no longer hinders a parent from having a career at the same time.
I hope Brox does better this year, so in case we have to move to a different school district, he hopefully won't have a hard time coping (if necessary). I hope he learns to think for himself, cause he is still very easily influenced by people that he consider "cool" and it bugs me. But that's how kids are. They have to learn on their own in order to appreciate the experience and learn from their mistakes. I just wish he'll get over that stage soon so I can relax, knowing he'll be ok, and hope i did a good job raising him.
Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
6.9.05 ::
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
Monday, September 05, 2005
Busy. Bored. Lazy.
teacher plays house
I've been bored and busy at the same time. I work at home, which is great since it allows me to spend a lot of time with Brox. I no longer have to worry about whether or not I'll be able to make it back in time to pick him up from school, or what we're gonna eat for dinner, and who's gonna keep the house clean (I honestly think I have O.C.D.). I now have time to do all those things, yay!
I'm very happy to say that Brox has learned so much over the summer. He now does his chores automatically and systematically. He realizes and appreciates the effort that goes into keeping a home clean, organized and pretty. Geoff and Nets went to San Francisco one weekend, and when they came home, we have re-decorated both our rooms, and everyone loved the finished product. Brox and I exchanged furniture. I know, it's weird. We could've easily just changed rooms, but I wanted him to keep the walk-in closet so he can keep all his toys out of sight. So my room now has a queen bed, instead of two twins while Brox has an king-size bed. Geoff also bought a PC for my room so I now have an "office" in here, too.
There was this other time when Geoff and Nets left for Vegas, Brox and I scrubbed and bleached the kitchen floor. It's so white now! We get so bored that we do all these things we'd never normally do. I even told my sister to suggest stuff we can do around the house, cause I fear that one day, Brox and I are gonna be so bored, (knowing that there's a lot of paint in the garage) might re-paint the entire house.
Brox and I are alike in many ways, most significantly that we're both kinesthetic creatures AND we get bored easily. We can't do the same thing over and over again which explains why he did so many sports: from golf, to basketball, to soccer, to wall-climbing to ultimate. Sure, we love to watch TV or lay in bed the whole day, but when we actually do "activities", they can't be redundant. For example, the pool has finally been resurfaced, so we decided we were gona swim for at least an hour everyday. We did that for a week to 10 days max. Then we switched to darts. Geoff bought a talking/electronic/heckling/foul-mouthted dart board with an LED scoreboard. I know! One more thing I don't need, a sport that takes a lot of time, but doesn't help me lose weight. But it's fun, Brox and I are actually playing much better. And I can sense that we'll be moving on from that sport sometime very soon. Now, we're back to keeping the house clean, or barbecuing, or having guests over. That's what I meant by being bored and busy at the same time.
Luckily, Brox and I are able to turn chores into play, so he doesn't feel like he has all of a sudden, become a slave (some kids tend to be dramatic during an adjustment of this kind). He also learned to prepare breakfast and snacks for the both of us, and automatically makes his own bed in the morning. Some people may say that a child Brox's age SHOULD know these things already, but he was never trained or expected to. He grew up in a household where there were always at least two helpers: one to look after him, while the other looks after everyone else. I guess that's how it is in a lot of Filipino homes, a helper spoonfeeds a child till he/she's 6 years old, just because they can't stand the mess a child makes, which is wrong, of course... Or a mother makes her child's bed because it will take forever for her child to finish. Unlike here, where kids are left to do things on their own, and learn from their parents' actions.
Speaking of Filipino homes, I noticed that all the Filipino houses we visited here has either a Magic Mic or TFC.... wala lang.
country house? town house?
Geoff came home on Thursday, super excited. He had the same look on his face as the day he came home from the BMW Ultimate Driving Experience. All I knew was that he saw a house and he wants to move. Then on Saturday morning, after a long night of inuman and darts, we headed east towards Chino (San Bernardino County). He was sooo excited. Apparently, my sister's office is moving further east. She is presently working in Pomona, driving 100 miles a day, and now, her office will be moving to Chino which will make her trip 40 miles longer. Geoff has always expressed his plans of moving in that area because Kawawa naman my sister and Mushu (her SUV).But it was always Nets who discouraged his plans. I believe that's why Geoff insisted that she see the model units.
There were 4 houses to choose from. So we entered the first house, the one we felt matched his needs and taste closest. I don't know how to describe it. It took my breath away! Everything in the house including the kitchen appliances called out, "Geoff! Geoff!", as if the decorator only had him in mind while working on the house-- five bedrooms, an office, a game room, 3 living rooms, 2 dining rooms, huge kitchen, 6-car garage. Beautiful!!! Of course, that's not how it's gonna look when you move. There are still a lot of gastos and decorating involved, unless of course, he buys the model unit, which is at least a hundred thousand more expensive than the bare house. The problem is whether he has to sell this house or not. Geoff bought this house I think in March or May of '04 and the value has increased by a huge amount because of the changes he's made. That alone would make it difficult for anyone to let go of the property but he's thinking of Nets. The drive time and the gas prices make the travel seem ridiculous.
I hope they get the new house. I'm not saying I don't like this place. I do. It's just that it seems more peaceful there, not as busy as here. As Geoff would say it, "mukhang america", here kasi, once you get out of the community, super busy na, a bit noisy, it's not safe for kids to play outside. Unlike there, malayo sa highway, they have parks close by, they even have a skatepark (Brox is excited because of this) plus it has 7-8 bedrooms... Need I say more?
Posted by Teacher Grishan ::
5.9.05 ::
1 Comments:
Post a Comment
---------------------------------------
4, 5, 6. Views from Upstairs
.jpg)
